At the end of the Author’s Note that follows my novel, “This Is How It Always Is,” I wrote that I knew the book would be controversial. Alas, I wasn’t wrong. But in some ways, honestly, I was.
It’s true I have received some very nasty emails and awful messages on social media.
They have told me I am a horrible person and a dangerous parent, that I am what’s wrong with this country, that I am ruining my child’s future and all children’s futures, that my husband is unmanly, that my child hopes I die. The senders of these messages also often hope I die, can’t wait for the hours I’ll spend in the emergency room, are eager for my removal from this world. Some of them have even offered to speed me on my way. They wonder how I have been brainwashed, how I can be so stupid, how I can be so cruel, how I can possibly follow my own good judgement over theirs, never mind they have never met me or my kid or been part of my community or consulted with my medical professionals or thought about and lived this day and night and day and night for years and years and years and years. Never mind they have never read the book.
Because that is the other thing that’s important to mention. The people who send me hate mail about the book have never actually read it. They usually haven’t even read the articles or essays or interviews that spur them to write to me. They’ve only read the headlines. They aren’t objecting to the book. They’re objecting to the idea — their idea — of the book, to its existence, to its topic, to its telling and its story, to its right to be read.
On the one hand, this is dispiriting. I obviously can’t argue with people sending me death threats over Twitter, but my best argument anyway is the 112,000 word one that is the book itself. The novel is the second best case I can make for loving your children, no matter what shows up, no matter how they surprise you. So I wish, mostly, angry emailers would read the book instead of just writing nastily to me about it. The first best case I can make for loving your children no matter what is common sense. Of course we support our children, even when they grow in ways we never imagined. That’s what children do. And of course we love them regardless. That’s what parents do.
On the other hand, the fact that the hate mail comes from people who haven’t read the book is comforting. Reaction to the novel itself has been overwhelmingly positive. Let me tell you about those emails and messages as well: Parents have written to thank me for telling this story because they thought their kid was the only one, because they’ve been able to give the books to family and friends who ask what they’re going through, because their kid is not gender non-conforming but is non-conforming in some other way and they relate, because parenting is hard and funny and exhausting and mysterious no matter what so it’s nice when someone says so. I get emails saying I’ve explained something someone never understood before or opened someone’s mind and heart or introduced them to a story they did not know. I get emails from people telling me the world wasn’t like this for them when they were growing up who are grateful that it’ll be different for the next generation. I get emails from people thanking me for a good story who forgot about the issues and the controversies altogether. I get emails from people who loved the characters and wish the best for them. I get emails from people who wish the best for my family as well. These are the emails I hold in my heart.
Sometimes people ask who I hope reads this book.
I hope everyone reads this book.
I hope people read it and recognize themselves and their families and their kids and their parents.
I hope they open their hearts.
I hope they open conversations, for the issues here are many and complex.
I hope they are inspired.
I hope they’re entertained by a good story.
And then I hope they send me really nice emails.
