You are the human equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.
This is how my husband used to describe my communication style.
And he was right. My tone could be harsh. Take out the trash! Things need to change around here—STAT!
Did things change then? No, my sharp commands fell on deaf ears.
Where I’ve learned to be hyper self-aware of my drill sergeant delivery, many women I’ve spoken to on the subject of renegotiating the division of childcare and household labor confide that they shy away from discussing the details of who does what in the house. Rather than ask their partners directly for more support, others say they avoid these conversations all together because of the following reasons:
I get it. I’ve been there. And yet, you’ve already started a conversation about your domestic life, if even only nonverbally. Many of the same women who don’t readily want to engage their partners in collaborative dialogue admitted to me, when I pressed them, that they drop a variety of non-verbal cues.
“Yeah, I’ve social shamed him,” said Ali of the photos she takes and posts of her husband’s “mess” (Dirty socks on the floor, tools scattered in the driveway, dishes on the counter).
“Who needs to talk when you can text?” Jenny admitted to “text bombing” her partner throughout the day with endless reminders and lists.
“When he calls me from the grocery store asking, “What do we need.” I turn off my ringer,” offered Amy.
Kelly lets the garbage pile up until her partner “gets the hint and takes care of it.”
If Miranda’s husband drops the ball at home, she’s cancels their date night. “I’m a no show to the restaurant.”
Passive-aggressive reminders, silent finger pointing, grumbling under our breath, and abandoning our partners—literally and emotionally—to “figure it out” are how many of us are communicating with our partners. What if instead, you changed the conversation by clearly communicating your feelings and needs to your partner?
Throughout my years working as a professional mediator with family foundations, I’ve learned a trick or two about having conversations that produce positive results for all parties involved. In this often-feudal setting where family members negotiate and sometimes dispute the division of property and assets, tension and sparks can easily fly when the threat response centers of your brain are fired up.
Professor Darby Saxbe offers the neurological explanation for doing this: Stress can be contagious. When one partner gets upset, it’s easy to get caught up in their emotion. Because of this, I suggest the following communication tools for couples caught in the crosshairs.
1. Timing: Choose your timing wisely. No feedback in the moment unless it is unavoidable.
2. Brevity: Keep it brief and succinct.
3. Word choice: Choose words your partner can hear and absorb.
4. Tone: Delivery in a calm and neutral tone—avoid the sharp commands or chalkboard voice.
These communication tips may seem obvious, but the reality is that most of us engage our partners without a considerable amount of forethought. Consider that a few minutes of strategic planning will make a significant difference in how your words are received by your partner. You wouldn’t walk into a job interview or give a presentation without having done your prep work, right? It’s not so different within your home organization.
“When my wife approaches me less emotionally and more directly—as a colleague would at work—she gets my full attention,” said Tony from Lansing, Michigan.
Granted, our partners are typically not our coworkers and the home environment tends to run a few degrees warmer (I hope!) than your average meeting room. The point of my findings is that couples who give careful consideration to timing, tone, brevity and word choice, communicate more effectively. By extension, they easily collaborate within the home to create more balance and efficiency.
Whoever you are, you have it in you to be a gamechanger in your relationship—and it starts with thoughtfully inviting your partner to the conversation. Of course, it takes two to keep the dialogue going, but one person can make the first move. Is that you?
I used to be the Queen of Contention. Over the years, I’ve worked hard on engaging my husband in collaborative dialogue. These days, it seems to flow pretty easily. When I have a grievance, instead of metaphorically scratching my nails on a chalkboard, I’ll hold my tongue…and wait for a time when we are calm and can sit down and talk.
When that date rolls around, I show up—and so does he.
Eve Rodsky is the author of “Fair Play“, a life-management system to help couples rebalance the domestic workload by introducing a new vocabulary and a collaborative approach to communicating that keeps the conversation going.
